The Reality
by TED WILD
“3 minutes to live 1% happier”
[Scroll down for English version]
Reality: 这才是安慰一个人的正确方法
tedwild.com | 2023.4.25
Happy Reality Day! 开始本周3分钟的现实, 1%的快乐 ↓
❤ 1个我的领悟
假设你刚做了一件很尴尬、很丢人的事，于是你去和一个朋友聊，希望能得到他的安慰。你想听到什么样的安慰呢？
我总结了3类安慰人的话，分别是：同事心、同情心、同理心。
(1) 第一类：同事心。
关注点在“事”上，也可以理解为同事之间的肤浅感情。当然有些人只是不太会安慰人才这么说的。
- 毫无人性型：“哈哈哈，你好搞笑啊，太丢人了，哈哈哈” （右手颤抖.jpg）
- 讲道理型：“我给你说啊，这个事你做的的确有问题，你应该这么这么……”
- 否认情绪型：“你不应该这么难过”、“生气伤身体”、“忘记这件事吧”
- 粉饰太平型：“夸张了，没那么严重，你没那么差，你不会做这种事的”
- 轻描淡写型：“这没什么大不了的”、“你会好起来的”。
- 白莲花型：“你怎么能做这种事呢？这的确太差劲了”
- 庆幸自己型：“太丢人了，还好不是发生在我身上啊，不然真不知道该咋面对”
- 转移攻击型：“那个人怎么能这么说你？他可真孙子……”
- 比你厉害型：“你那算啥，我有一次更惨……”
这一类你听完可能会立马后悔给他说了这件事。
第二类：同情心。
表达对他的同情。
“宝子你好惨，我真替你感到难过”、“I’m sorry”。
同情心比同事心好了很多了。
第三类：同理心。
“我也有同样的经历，我理解你这种感觉”。
不用把他的伤心看做一种需要立马治好的病、要让他赶紧感觉好起来，接受这一会儿伤心的情绪。
而是表达出一种真诚，平等，我们都一样不完美，不管你是什么样，我都爱你，我都在这里。
这就是同理心——安慰人最好的方式。
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❤ 1个其他人的领悟
“改变始于理解，而理解始于认同。这就是同理心。艺术让我们能够将自己置身于他人的思想、眼睛、耳朵和心中。”
– Richard Eyre
❤ 1个问你自己的问题
你最近一次安慰别人是什么时候？如果让你再来一遍，你会不会改变安慰ta的说法？
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❤ 1个小尝试
同理心其实是内心强大的一种表现。
接下来一周，尝试听你身边亲近的人的一次倾诉，然后用同理心的方式安慰ta。
加入Reality
每周3分钟的现实，1%的快乐，只有周报才有
没有垃圾，只有全网难找的干货.
看完有啥想法没？可以直接回复这个邮件，我会看邮箱里的每一个回复。
下周见，
Ted Wild
PS: 新鲜出炉的文章：如何活在当下（你会庆幸自己花了这8.8分钟的）
– /// –
Reality: How to comfort someone
tedwild.com | 2023.4.25
Happy Reality Day! Here is your weekly dose of reality to help you live 1% happier.
❤ 1 Insight From Me
Let’s say you’ve just done something embarrassing and humiliating, so you go talk to a friend, hoping to get some comfort from him. What do you want to hear?
I have summed up three types of comforting words, they are: Apathy, sympathy, and empathy.
(1) Apathy comforting.
The focus is on “things”, and kind of “not really my business and I don’t actually give a damn”. Some people in this category do care, they just don’t know how to comfort people.
- Inhuman type: “Hahaha, that’s so funny, it’s so embarrassing, hahaha”
- Rational type: “Let me tell you, there is indeed a problem with what you did, what you should do is…”
- Emotional Denial type: “You shouldn’t be so sad”, “It bad for your health to be angry”, “Forget about it”
- Whitewashing type: “Exaggerated, it’s not that serious, you’re not that bad, you wouldn’t do such a thing”
- Understatement type: “It’s no big deal”, “You’ll be fine”.
- I’m perfect type: “How can you do such a thing? It really sucks”
- Thank god it’s not me type: “That’s so embarrassing, thank god it didn’t happen to me, otherwise I really don’t know what to do”
- Attack type: “How can that person say that about you? He is such a dick…”
- I’m better than you type: “That’s nothing, what happened to me was even worse, once…”
After listening, you may immediately regret telling him about it.
❤ 1 Insight From Others
“Change begins with understanding and understanding begins by identifying oneself with another person. In a word empathy. The arts enable us to put ourselves in the minds, eyes, ears and hearts of other human beings.”
– Richard Eyre
❤ 1 Question For Yourself
When was the last time you comforted someone? If you were asked to do it again, would you change the way you do it?
❤ 1 Small Step To Take
Empathy is actually a sign of inner strength.
In the following week, try listening to someone close to you, and then comfort him with empathy.
Do you find this issue of Reality helpful? Leave a reply to this email, I check every reply in my inbox.
Until next week,
Ted Wild
PS: Fresh article I wrote：Why Self-help Books Fail To Help